Scotch Files

Desperately Corny

Perhaps Desperate Housewives is causing more damage to some people's brains than we have noticed. Though it is not sleeping with the gardener, there is one farmer looking in high places for companionship.

A farmer in NY used extra corn seed to plant a personals ad in his cow pasture. His reason? Becuase taking care of a farm and two daughters lives little time to meet women. The kicker? Placing an ad in the paper seems to desperate.

Maybe I am the crazy one here, but what can be more desperate than planning and planting seeds to grow an ad in the middle of your field? He seems to be proud and getting lots of calls, but what can the man with too much time on his hands and a little too much creativity do for you. This is like the first sign of obsessive compulsive. What happens if you stop liking him? Will he plant a "Mary Smith is a dick-sucking whore" crop? Who's willing to take the chance? You too can be the next contestant on the new reality game show "Plant-A-Love!" I guess it would have been worse if the dude was trying to "grow" a girlfriend in his field.


Truly the Oldest Profession in the World

Up in New Castle, PA, which I believe is just outside of Pittsburgh arrested a 19-yr-old woman for prositution. You may be sitting there wondering, "Why is that news?" Here's the thing, she was arrested for soliciting sex with senior citizens. The men 71 & 83, were also arrested for paying the woman $4 and $6 for sexual favors. Talk about senior's discount.

This is wrong for so many reasons, but what sticks out the most is the combined $10 she recived for said "favors." Ten dollars is a lap dance (so I've heard, LOL). Since when can you get arrested for that? Apparently, she granted something more than a lap dance, so why so cheap? Is that all they had? Was that the co-pay they were going to use to get their prescriptions refilled? Was it worth it? I mean we all have come across the "dirty old man," but isn't this taking it too far.

The bonus kicker for me is that the police cheif and the 83-year-old share the same last name. Imagine having to bust your dad for soliciting a prostitute? There is a fond memeory to share at the funeral or over Sunday dinner. I have no clue if the two are related, but small town, same name is a lot of coincidence.

As for the girl, she has to be on crack! Has it gotten so bad that the street ho is only getting 2-for-$10 deals? Where is the union when you need them. As Chris Rock pointed out, strippers have a union. When will the prositutes unite? Then again the Pimp Union might try to block the ho union cause they would no longer need their "guidance."

Idiocy Is the New Color for Society

This happened a month ago, but I have to speak on it. In Austrailia, two men got into an argument about the merits of the film Sin City. This argument became so heated that one of the men had the tip of his nose bitten off. Let me type that again. This argument became so heated that one of the men had the tip of his nose bitten off. While I am happy to see that idiocy is far beyond just the President of the U.S. and his supporters, but what in the world must you be thinking to bite someone's nose off over a movie. It wasn't even non-fictional. I could see if they were watching Schindler's List or Roots.

Maybe the people who believe that movies and music are killing the quality of life are right. Maybe I need to re-examine my views on what they are saying, because apparently some instances of gratuitous violence really do lead to other actions of even more gratuitous violence.

I Avoided it Long Enough

I went a long time without mentioning the guy's name. I didn't even say anthing when he had helicopters flying over his house like he was secretly getting married and the paparazzi had to get the picture for the tabloids. I even stayed quiet as he was auditioning to be on a Jane Fonda workout DVD, but enough is enough.

I am happy TO finally took the foot out of his mouth and took a big piece of humble pie and reported back to camp. Who knows how long it will be before he either swollows it or spits it out, but I am happy there is a certain calm over Eagles camp right now. Again, this could just be the eye of the storm with more to come later. For now, I will relish in the peace.

I will say this though. No matter how right or wrong you think he may be, you have to wonder if one is flying over the cookoo's nest. Maybe he has been plasting the very paranoid Tupac in his Ipod, but TO is taking somethings a little too far. Regardless, if you think McNabb is being hypocritical, why bring him down? If you ever find your self in a place where you decide you need to sink the entire ship to prove your point, you might as well bail and set a drift yourself. Oh wait, you can cause you stil need that boat to live. So why, again I ask, try to sink the whole ship.

I think the players have done a good job of "no commenting" and not speculating on the situation, but you know they all have opinions and lines are being drawn in the sand ever so lightly. NFLers are like regular people, you have leaders, followers and yes man. It just so happens that NFL yes man, have their own group of followers and yes men. I am sure there were folks who co-signed with TO and his swipe at McNabb for his play in the last minutes of the Super Bowl. The question is will it show when it's gametime.

This team can make it to the Super Bowl again, but I am sure the Rams, Raiders and Panthers all thought the same thing about their teams the year after the Super Bowl. What happens if the Eagles stumble out of the gate? How long will it be before they emplode on themsleves?

Who Knew G-Unit was Looking for a Pastor?

Let us all pray. Looks like G-Unit is close to adding a new member to the crew. To some it might leave you scratching your head. To others it will just be another step in ease of discrediting one of God's soldiers. Mase has been in discussion about signing with the
G-Unit.

I personally could give a rat's ass because Mase is about as good of a rapper as Kobe Bryant is covering his sexual escapades. Maybe Mase has decided to save souls from the inside out. Maybe he is learning, as did Al green, that Jesus doesn't quite pay the bills like you are used to having them paid. Which is weird because Mase was a "Get Money" type of preacher anyway. One of those "pray for a Bentley and if God sees fit, it willbe yours" type of dudes. Not exactly my type of message.

I guess the good thing for Mase is that it will all but assure him that he won't have to wear the shiny suit again.

Scotch Files: The Rafeal Palmeiro Ed.

The biggest news is sports right now is Baltimore Orioles first baseman, Rafeal Palmeiro's recent suspension for testing positive for steroids. When the story first broke, I thought it had to be fake. There was no way the man who sat in front of Congress and adamantly denied using steroids could have tested positive. It had to be some GNC-type concoction that set the test off. Or maybe it was the Viagra he had been endorsing. He always seemed like a good guy and someone a parent could point to and say, "Now that's a role model." As we learned a couple years ago, athletes are not necessarily who they pretend to be.

So today numerous outlets are reporting that he tested positive for stanozolol, the drug that sprinter Ben Johnson tested positive for during the '88 Olympic Games. According to the article, this is a steroid that is potent and not available in any dietary supplements. And of course, Palmeiro is in denial and a self-imposed befuddlement as to how the drug found it's way into his system.

So we, the fans and to a lesser degree the general public, are left with numerous questions starting at: Well, how do you not know what is going in your body? Having given up my organized athletic dreams after high school, I have no clue how a multi-millionaire proffesional athlete could be given something without full knowledge of what it was he/ she (WNBA anyone?) was taking. Ultimately, that will be between Raffy and his body. Jose Canseco in his book Juiced said that he introduced and injected Palmeiro with steroids back in '93. Whatever the case may be, this is for sure. None of us will be surprised if Raffy ends up like Lyle Alzado.

The other side of this is how it effects Palmeiro's legacy in baseball and especially in Baltimore. He was a hero, destined to have his number retired by an organization that embraced him in the mid 90s and then again in 2004 when he resigned with the team. When he was traded in 1999, the city was furious. When he returned the city rejoiced. Now we are faced with a question none of us would have ever thought possible. In the words of Jay-Z, "It was all good a week ago!"

It would have been completely different if someone like Albert Belle released a statement saying he was a user. No one would bat a lash. The same can be said for Brady Anderson, who in 1996 hit 50 homeruns. I think we all know in the back of our minds that he was on more "juice" than Michael Jackson could ever dream of handing out to little boys.

So now the debate goes from is Palmeiro a Hall-Of-Famer to will he ever get into the hall. Having acheived the milestone of 3,000 hits and more than 500 homeruns, many thought he was definintely deserving to be included in the hall. That is not to say everyone as Skip Bayless stated his beliefs in a column almost 3 weeks ago. At the time, I disagreed with Bayless. Today, I am not so sure, but for a different reason. I have no clue if he really used the 'roids, but I do believe the writers and current HOFs will penalize him.

We'll see as the story continues to unfold.